Dunce dancers

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Posted By Chad Ingram

Posted 1 month ago

"Graceful" is not a word that is often applied to me.

Stocky? Yes.

Bearded? Yes.

Drunk? Sometimes.

But graceful?

Not so much.

So, I was a little apprehensive when colleague Steve Galea suggested that he and I audition for this season's Dusk Dances.

It was Galea's rationale that a jaw-dropping performance at Dusk Dances would lead to an appearance on Dancing with the Stars.

The fact that neither of us were, well, famous, or dancers, for that matter, didn't seem to faze him in any way.

Recalling that I'd once seen Galea fall to the ground from a seated position didn't fill me with the utmost confidence that he possessed the sort of balance necessary to do any sort of dancing, chicken included.

However, since news was pretty slow in the county – Maarten Steinkamp hadn't opened a new restaurant in more than a week – I decided to go along with it.

I'm still not sure how Galea managed to get us an audition with judges Daniela Pagliaro and Brigitte Gall, but I guessed he'd promised we'd stop panhandling outside the entrance to the Minden Hills Cultural Centre.

This, along with our travelling I Love Lucy sock puppet plays, was how Steve managed to feed his family and how I managed to maintain my exotic stamp-collecting habit.

"She said we need characters," Galea said, as he got off the phone with Pagliaro. "Something not quite daytime, but not quite nighttime; something dusky."

I had just the thing; my costume from the Twilight fan club I belonged to . . . I mean, my friend's costume from the Twilight fan club my friend belonged to.

Yes, yes, that's it.

We met the following day in Head Lake Park, me in my best cape and fangs.

Pagliaro, Gall and Galea were already there waiting.

It was clear that Galea had far outdone me when it came to the costume.

Decked out in a red feathered boa and black feathered cap with veil, Galea looked like what I imagined a vertically challenged, transvestite grizzly bear might look like.

"So, you promise, no more panhandling outside the cultural centre?" I heard Pagliaro ask him as I drew closer.

"I promise," Galea said, fingers crossed behind his back.

"Chad, I see you've chosen to go with a vampire," Gall said as I approached the bunch. "Not bad. Does your alter-ego have a name? Something mysterious, something haunting, something majestic?"

"Yes," I said. "Norm."

Gall and Pagliaro exchanged glances, high-browed glances.

"No, no, I don't think you're getting it," Gall said. "Your character's name, it should be something daunting yet intriguing, something nightmarish but attractive, in a classic and timeless sort of way."

"Dwayne?" I said.

Gall buried her head in her hands.

"Bob? Rob? Steve?"

"That's a good one!" Galea exclaimed.

"Just nevermind," Gall said.

"Well, I am Madame Zolthar!" Galea exclaimed. "The high voodoo priestess of Haliburton County!"

"Wow, Galea, it seems like you've done this before," I said.

"Hey, it's none of your business how I spend my Saturday nights," he snapped.

"All right, let's just get this over with . . . I mean, let's begin," Pagliaro said. "Do either of you know anything about dancing?"

Galea told her he'd been the founder of a one-man, tap-dancing telegram company that had quickly gone under.

I told her I'd heard of Julliard.

"Oh my," Pagliaro said. "Let's just start with a plie, one of the most basic moves in dance. You simply place your feet like so, arms here, now plie!"

Unfortunately, what I heard was, "now pee," which caused some awkwardness and required a change of pants.

The rest of our lesson was equally successful.

Pirouette, promenades, lifts – Galea and I were as graceful as a couple of cows on a frozen pond.

Then we thought we'd show Pagliaro and Gall some moves we'd created.

Jaws were definitely dropped as we showed them "the flying squirrel," "the crossbow," and "Zolthar's fury."

Then Galea said it had always been a dream of his to tango with a vampire, so we began tangoing, quite well, we thought, across Head Lake Park.

Pagliaro started gagging and Gall fainted on the grass.

"OK, OK, enough," Pagliaro said, attempting to compose herself. "I don't think you guys have what it takes. But keep practising and one day . . ."

She didn't finish her sentence.

"If you guys still want to be involved with Dusk Dances though, I think I have just the job for you," she said.

"Sure," Galea said. "What did you have in mind? Choreographers? Stage managers?"

"Not quite," Pagliaro said.

And so it was that Galea and I ended up guard the tour bus for what Pagliaro said was the "real talent."

Sure, we hadn't gotten into Dusk Dances, but at least we'd learned something.

We'd learned that . . . um . . . well . . . ah . . .

Dusk Dances, the hugely popular summer event that has brought contemporary and traditional dance to public parks across Canada, is returning to Haliburton Village this summer. Dusk Dances will be performing in Head Lake Park from Thursday, July 29th to Sunday, August 1st.Presented nightly at 7pm, Dusk Dances will feature five whimsical dances that unfold in different areas of Head Lake Park. The show opens with a live band and then host Brigitte Gall will lead the gathered crowd through the park to the various performance sites in an evening that combines dance, entertainment, and the great outdoors.